Alright, kids, gather round. I have a story. This story- though disturbing- has a purpose, I promise. So, just hang with me, please. Every young driver can tell you about the first time she accidentally hit an animal with her car. It’s upsetting and morbid and, based on my frantic swerve of avoidance, quite dangerous. I was around eighteen and driving the interstate between Corbin and Williamsburg (Kentucky) when I saw a squirrel skittering out in front of my car’s path. I screamed (which is my very helpful response to a crisis) and swerved- but ultimately felt the awful “Clunk” as I rolled over the little guy.
Imagine my surprise, when I looked in my mirror (to pay my respects to the poor critter) only to see Little Guy was still alive- sort of. Instead of hitting the squirrel with one striking blow, I ran over his tail. Let me say that again- I only Ran. Over. His. Tail. So, I look in my rearview mirror expecting to see devastation (which, I suppose the scene I saw was technically devastating as well), and instead, I saw a Little Guy with his tail flattened to the road but otherwise very much alive. If you’ve ever believed squirrels weren’t self-aware, then you’ve obviously never witnessed a squirrel running frantically- hoping to unstick his flattened tail from the interstate.
Now, I realize this story is HORRIBLE. Fifteen years have passed, and I would still go back and change that poor squirrel’s tragic fate if I could. However, the ridiculousness of the situation isn’t entirely lost on me- rather than accidentally striking down an animal- I somehow pancaked the poor thing’s fluffy tail to I-75. If that isn’t some sort of strange luck for both me and the squirrel, I don’t know what is.
I’ve thought about that poor squirrel a lot in the years that have passed since our unfortunate meeting. I have this bizarre hope that he somehow remembered his friends and family on the other side of I-75 and that gave him the will to pull his very fluffy but very stuck tail up from the interstate and continue with his life. I hope he had a weird story to tell all his squirrel friends about why his tail wasn’t quite as voluminous as the other squirrel’s. Heck, I hope he got a really cute squirrel girlfriend out of the whole ordeal. But, Little Guy (the squirrel), has become a bit of a symbol for me over the years.
You see, I, like the squirrel, get caught in moments where I’m very much alive but also very much stuck. In the days that have followed since Joe returned to school for the fall semester, I feel like I’m stuck in my own failure to launch situation. Much like my squirrel friend from many years ago, I want to move forward, but I’m a bit tethered by life’s circumstances. You see, I want to work- but my health won’t allow it. I want to be the ultimate house wife- but I get winded from carrying the broom through the house. I’m trying, but I’m stuck.
Ultimately, my tail is stuck, and I’m scrambling for a foothold. The pain of leaving the classroom never fully goes away, but it gets more tolerable with time. However, the thing no one tells you about disability, is there’s no room for growth. I’m never going to advance in my field or reach a level of professional competency as a disabled person. At times, it feels a little hopeless. Like, Little Guy, I’m still very much alive. My heart is beating and my brain is firing (sort of). However, my tail is stuck. I’m trying to move forward by scraping and grasping at anything and everything and can’t establish a foothold in this new reality.
So, there’s nothing left to do but to scrape my tail up from the road. I said that I hoped my squirrel friend found the power and the will to pull his flattened behind off the interstate. And, well, I think enough of myself to want the same thing for me. I’ve found myself waking up and not finding the will to get out of bed lately. I don’t know what I’m getting up for (except Zoey- I always get up when Princess Zoey beckons) because my days lack purpose. However, in an effort to act as my own spatula and scrape my furry tail from the road, it’s time to find that purpose. I don’t know what is next for me. I’m entertaining ideas of a new book, or maybe a new in person support group (in addition to the current one- not replacing it!). Maybe I’ll start a youtube channel or just enjoy my new oven by learning new recipes. I just know that this week of lacking ambition isn’t the beginning of that life. I know that even if my silly, squirrel tail feels stuck by medical tests and doctors’ offices who don’t return calls, it doesn’t mean that my life is forever and always stuck in this place.
So, friends, I’m telling you now. I’m picking my tail up off the road and moving forward. I’m not sure what’s next, but I promise it will be an effort to help all of us. And, please, know that I’m truly sorry that Little Guy had to suffer in order for me to learn this lesson years later.
Peace. Love. Health.
In case you’re wondering where this blog’s title came from, click here.