I’m sick, but I’m strong.

Hey, Crazy, Chronic friends! It’s already February- I seriously have no clue how we’re already into the second month of the year, and I’m still trying to remember to write the new year when I write the date. (Granted, I might still do that in August.)

January was a good month for me. My resolution for 2019 was to be more goal oriented, and it’s been fun to start taking steps toward meeting those goals. One goal is to lose 20 pounds before I move forward with a hysterectomy this summer. I’ve had this goal for a while, but I didn’t have a plan on how to get there. I’ve developed a plan, and I’m sticking to it- and I’m so darn proud of myself.

I’m identifying food intolerances.

I have been (imperfectly) Paleo since January 1. I’m learning that my body feels better when I eliminate certain foods. Without dairy, processed sugar, and grains in my diet, my pain levels are a little more controlled. Sometimes, friends, it’s HARD to go without foods I love. Now, I know for some people, food is just sustenance, and I am trying to develop a healthier relationship with it. However, for me, I comforted myself with unhealthy food when my pain was out of control, when I felt sad, or when I felt like I deserved a treat for doing something particularly difficult. Those little comforts were adding weight (and therefore pain) to my joints. I became suddenly very aware that I wasn’t comfortable being an advocate for the chronically ill when I was consciously making decisions that would make me feel worse in the long run. Does that mean I’ll never have pizza or chocolate cake again? Heck, no. It means that I am finding new ways to treat myself that aren’t self-sabotaging.

I’m getting stronger.

If you had asked me in early December, I would have told you there’s nothing at my local gym that I could do. The treadmill hurt my knees. The recumbent bike hurt my hips. No matter what I tried to do, something hurt. You know what? That’s okay. I’m going slow- embarrassingly slow at times. But, I’m learning that my body can adjust to hard things and get stronger. When I started using the treadmill/ elliptical, my knees were swollen and painful for the first two weeks. Normally, I would have quit- because I have enough joint injuries without adding another problem area. However, I decided to see what would happen if I rested, iced, taped, and KEPT GOING. You know what happened? One day I realized my knees hadn’t hurt my entire workout. My body has challenges and limitations. It’ll never run a marathon or competitively lift weights- but it CAN get stronger. I can’t begin to explain how proud I am to have discovered that. For the first time in my adult life, I walk into the gym not embarrassed by what I can’t do but proud of how hard I’m trying.

Here’s the thing. I’ve hesitated to share this journey with my blog community for a few reasons. First, I could fall off the wagon. A month from now I might read this blog and think, “Bless that wide-eyed child. She was so naively full of hope.” If that happens, well, I’ll have this blog as proof that I CAN do hard things. I can get back on the wagon. (I CAN even make a fairly tasty grain free dinner roll! Woot! Woot!) Second, there will be readers of this blog that won’t be happy for me. I understand that. I understand how much energy is required just to LIVE with chronic illness. I know how comforting food can be when everything else is miserable. I don’t blame anyone with chronic illness for their current state. Life is HARD- and life with chronic illness seems almost impossible. You CAN do hard things- but maybe the hard things for right now involve waking up and showering. I’m proud of you for that. Wherever you are on your journey through symptom management, be proud of yourself for doing the hard things. I’m cheering for you, and I’m so glad I have this community cheering for me too.

Peace, love, and health always.

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