From the husband’s point of view.

Wow. The last few days have been filled with a lot of kind words and support for this blog, and I am over the top excited that some of you have connected with the stories I’ve shared. I have been most surprised (in a good way, of course!) by the number of spouses and caregivers that have read the blog and had questions and comments. These have made me step back a little and realize that the people that care for us daily need a voice here too. So, I wrote a few questions and interviewed my husband. Again, we are not marriage experts, so I’m not encouraging everyone to imitate us (Trust me- the world doesn’t need that!). I’m just sharing our experience.

How is your role as a husband different from what typical marriages experience?

I have to be more aware of situations than most husbands do. Typically, husbands can take for granted that their wife will feel fine for a walk through the mall, but that’s not how things go for us. I have to pay attention and anticipate problems. I look at you sometimes and can tell you are fading fast, and I need to get you home. I don’t think most husbands think that way when they’re out with their wives. I also have to make trade offs in order to do what’s most important. If I know you are planning to run errands during the day, I can typically guess that you’ll be too worn out to do anything that night. So, if I’m wanting to go out for dinner or even just sit outside on the patio for a couple hours and talk, I might have to handle the errands so your energy can go toward something more important. In most marriages, both people typically feel decent (maybe tired or an occasional cold, but otherwise fine). In our marriage, one day you might be doing well and fix dinner, or run errands, or come visit me at work. The next day, you might be too tired or weak to walk out of the bedroom. I’m never quite sure what to expect when I come in from work.

How have your expectations for your life and future as a couple changed?

I realize, now, that things take more planning than they used to. Some adventures that I had planned to experience with you (ie. International travel) may never happen, and that’s okay– just different than I expected. I thought (because of how we dated) there would be more spontaneity in our marriage. But I don’t mind that there isn’t. We’re both adults; we have a house now, so there’s a place for us to hang out and just be together.

I don’t really imagine our future will be much different than now. You’re still the same person I married– just slower.

(Blogger’s note: I definitely pinched him for calling me slow. Even if it is true!)

What are your biggest fears?

One of my biggest fears is that your health will suddenly go downhill, and you won’t be able to do anything. I could handle it, but I’m not sure how you would mentally or emotionally. I worry that you’ll become really sick while we’re out, and I won’t be able to get you adequate help. And, ultimately, my biggest fear is that I’ll wake up one morning and you won’t wake up with me.

Finally, what do you do to educate yourself about my illness/ procedures/ etc? How do you draw the line for the things you would just rather not know?

There have been too many times that I’ve used Google to diagnose myself and gotten really worried over nothing. (A headache is probably not a brain tumor.) So, I keep in mind that information found online is normally the worst case scenario, and I typically avoid researching. At this point, I just ask you, and you let me know what I need to know.

* * *

I had more questions to ask, but, honestly, the conversation was just getting a little too heavy for me. The truth is, these things need to be discussed occasionally. I need to know what my husband worries about or even how our marriage is different from his expectations. Obviously, I can’t change any of it, but at least I can know what’s going on in his head. And sometimes (like today) all you can do is validate each other’s feelings and move on. Besides, the Braves are playing . . .!

Peace, love, and health! J

 

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4 thoughts on “From the husband’s point of view.

  1. Tammi

    You really hit the nail on the head with your observations…my husband has been the most amazing support throughout every minute of the past year and a half of major, major differences. I mourn the loss of our old life while he keeps holding my hand and loving me. I would not be here if it wasn’t for his faithfulness, loyalty and unending encouragement. All of your fears and concerns are the same we live with hour by hour, minute by minute now…our “used to be” lives are over (at least for now) and although we long for better days ahead we are thankful we still have today to be together. I can’t imagine a better husband than mine, but you sound like you’re a close second! Thank you for your insights…praying for more good days than bad…for us all.

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. Chris Wright

    Tiffany, you and Joe are amazing! This particular post will mean a great deal to caregivers… while reading Joe’s comments, I held back tears. He is me; his love, his patience, his approach to the situation and life now are exactly where I find myself with my mother now. But you guys are still so young, and so much in love. So, I must briefly share with you something that even Joe does not know… I lost my husband to cancer, ON his 44th birthday; at 12:01am I said Happy Birthday, and at 3:00am he took his last breath in my arms. We had only been married 6 years. I was 47 years old. I had been his caregiver for the 4 years from his diagnoses to his passing. Absolutely everything he describes here was my life for those 4 years! And indeed it is a different experience when it’s a spouse, versus a parent. The caregiving aspect is the same, however, and this blog has affected me already. Thank you. God Bless You Both!!

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. tiffanyrearly Post author

      I held back tears the whole time I was typing this post, but your comment has put me over the edge! I absolutely cannot imagine going through what you and your husband went through. However, from the vantage point of the ‘sick person’, I am so incredibly relieved and grateful to know he had you by his side. Thank you for sharing that. May God bless you.

      Liked by 2 people

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